I
had all these plans and imagined it all to be so easy. I thought once Tony is
gone and I have no one to distract me or invite me to be lazy I’m going to
be so disciplined and organised: I will do my meditation practice religiously
every morning, I will eat a super-healthy diet, I will step up my exercise
regime and I will study much harder for my exam in Buddhist studies on 20th
July.
What
can I say?
“Pustekuchen!”
is what I would say in German. “Nada” in Spanish. In English I’m afraid I have
to swear: f*** all is what I’ve done!
Why
is this happening? What’s going on?
I’m
even more skittish and unfocused than I normally am. I’m all over the place
while at the same time it doesn’t really amount to anything. The result: I feel
totally stressed with nothing to show for.
It’s
like I’ve lost my centre of gravity, like I need Tony’s calm, “couldn’t care
less” kind of energy that every now and then asks me to take time out and
settle down for a bit. The question I ask myself is this: has Tony become the
anchor that keeps me steady in the stormy sea that’s me?
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