Settling

I’m feeling a lot more settled today. Something shifted during this full moon, I think and I have come out the other end seeing more clearly and feeling calmer.

One observation I made is that being in a relationship and having someone around takes the edge off things. Sometimes in a good way but sometimes more in the way in which a strategically placed piece of furniture covers a hole in the wall. It stops us from seeing cracks and holes in the fabric of our lives as well as in the way we relate to ourselves. Tony has only been away for about three weeks now and we still talk every so often on the phone but it certainly made me realise a couple of things about myself and my life already.

For example, that I rely on him to ground me. Great when he’s here but he's not. As much as it sounds romantic to say that someone “completes” you, I’m not so sure that it's actually a good thing. There’s this element of need and dependency that I don’t like. Surely two people who are already complete on their own can have an even better time with each other.

When Tony and I first got together we always used to say to each other:  “I’m not with you because I need you but because I choose to.” I don’t think we’ve veered off course too much from that but we may have started to rely on each other a bit more over the years.

With regards to cracks in the fabric of one’s life: I was certainly right with my assumption that any dissatisfaction in other areas of my life would stand out even more when Tony isn’t here to smooth it over. Experiencing that was unpleasant but ultimately very helpful. It helped me make some decisions that were overdue. Who knows how much longer I would have tried to just ignore it while hiding in a bear hug?

No. It’s all good. Things have been thrown up in the air and now they start to settle nicely.