Just over 5
more weeks to go now until Tony comes home. As the days are getting shorter I’m
thinking that I’m really glad that Tony went during summer and not winter. It
would have been a lot harder during winter as you tend to be stuck indoors a
lot more, meaning more time to yourself, more time to think…
I’m still
experiencing the aftershocks from the little earthquake that was Jamie Catto’s
workshop. Combined with the fact that my main projection surface (Tony) is
currently not available to help me blame someone else for how I’m feeling, I’m
spending a lot of time looking at what’s REALLY going on inside my mind. It’s
not easy. While I appreciate to be able to see myself with more honesty, it’s
hard not to be judgmental. I discover that I am a master at
‘shoulding’ myself, i.e. telling me what I should be thinking, feeling and
doing and thereby resisting and rejecting what I am actually thinking, feeling
and doing. All that does is create tension and conflict, which totally zaps my
energy. Hence duvet days are my biggest craving at the moment. I also escape
into watching the telly, eating, retail therapy and the occasional glass of wine.
Luckily I
finally started reading Marshall Rosenberg’s book about non-violent
communication. It’s not only about how to communicate non-violently and
empathically with others but also with oneself. In particular, it contains
really useful advice on how to stop ‘shoulding’ yourself and I’m planning to do
the related exercises this weekend. I also booked my place on a foundation
course in non-violent communication in October. I know that
that’s going to be another challenging weekend but it seems like a natural and
necessary progression.
I am
grateful for the opportunity to really see clearly how all the suffering I’m
experiencing is indeed created by what’s going on in my mind and the stories I
tell myself. It’s not just a Buddhist bumper sticker, you know.
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