Imperfect ponderings

There are so many things going through my mind, I don’t even know where to start or rather I don’t quite know how to put them in order and express them in a way that makes sense. And it does all make sense - a lot actually.

It is painful, don’t get me wrong, and unpleasant and ugly and scary but from experience I have learned to be grateful for this sort of intense self-discovery because it means change and growth. Development needs crisis, it’s as simple as that, and running away or hiding from it means remaining stuck.

I shall start off by saying that I am surprised at how much I miss Tony and it only just started to get more intense very recently. Because I wasn’t expecting it, it took me by surprise and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by it. Despite that I try to detach myself from that feeling and observe and analyse what is actually going on.

I discovered that there is a recurring trigger for feeling like this and it is being unable to manage or bear my own negative thoughts and emotions. This makes me miss Tony for two reasons: number one is that if he was here, I would be able to talk to him about it and he could possibly help me deal with them better (as explained in the post called Loneliness). Number two, however, and that’s the one staring me in the face at the moment, is that I judge myself harshly for having negative thoughts and emotions and don’t really like myself when I’m like that. That lack of self-acceptance and self-love could conveniently be compensated for if Tony was around. Alas, he’s not and therefore I am left with having to confront (again!) my lack of self-love and self-acceptance. (I don’t know about you, but I’ve been working on and with myself for so long, I thought I had dealt with this. So it’s even more of a bummer having to face it again.)

However, I think, what I am realising is that there is a difference between the kind of self-love that only focuses on our positive sides and genuine self-love. Genuine self-love loves the whole imperfect package and, moving beyond this distinction between self and others, genuine love accepts and embraces imperfection in everyone and everything.

I realise that my love and compassion for others is limited because my love and compassion for myself is limited.

We love in others what we love in ourselves and we hate in others what we hate in ourselves. Therefore, there is no real difference between self and other and therefore no difference in the love we are able to feel for ourselves and the love we are able to feel for others. They are interconnected and inseparable. So by learning to embrace my own imperfect self, I will hopefully be able to embrace others’ imperfect selves and vice versa. 

Ultimately, I hope that one day, I will be able to see beyond the whole notion of self itself.