A can of worms

I just came home from Day 1 of my Foundation Training in Non-violent Communication (NVC) and, as expected, it initiated more unravelling.

It’s like I’ve ‘opened a can of worms’.

Apparently this expression originated in the 1950s when bait stores routinely sold cans of worms and other popular live baits to fishermen, who often discovered how easy it was to open a can of worms and how difficult it was to close one. Once the worms discovered an opportunity to escape, it became nearly impossible to keep them contained.

The same is happening in this process of self-discovery that I started. I took Tony’s absence as an opportunity to work on becoming more intimate with myself and somehow it’s taken on a life of it’s own and I can’t put the lid back on. It leads me deeper and deeper by gradually tearing down and disintegrating every belief I hold about myself. It’s confusing, scary and painful but at the same time so liberating, exhilarating and rewarding. The main reward being that I feel more alive and in touch with myself than ever.

So today my belief in myself as being emotionally literate was totally demolished. I discovered how difficult I find it to identify what I feel (rather than think) and need in a situation that presses all my buttons.

I find connecting with my needs the most challenging and scary because when I connect with them, I need to take responsibility for them and look for ways to meet them. The fear that was triggered by this gave me quite a good indication that there are probably quite a few needs that I have been suppressing and hiding from myself and which, once brought to the surface, will probably have a huge impact on my life.

What really hit home with me was the realisation that by far and large I have been a stranger to myself for all these years and that really hurts. However, I now have the opportunity to put that right.

My task for tonight is to really connect with my most important needs and values at the moment and I will soon immerse myself into a hot bath to contemplate this. I’m scared about what I might find and the knock-on effect of my discoveries but what can I do? 

The can's open and the worms are escaping.