Fix you

I have been contemplating the whole ‘connecting with my needs’ thing for two weeks now and the one thing that’s been really bugging me is the (for me) logical question of “what next?”.

So I am in touch with my feelings and the underlying need but what do I do with it then?

To me the logical next step was all about how to then get that need met and I’ve been analysing whether or not I’m entitled to expect someone else to meet my needs or whether and if so, how much, I’m responsible to meet my own needs.

I haven’t quite found an answer to that particular question but I now moved on to a different question: do all of our needs need to be met?

I remember the trainer who did the non-violent communication training saying something about it sometimes being enough to just acknowledge a need and the fact that it is unmet.

Well, that didn’t really appeal to me. Patience isn’t one of my strengths and I tend to go after what I want with quite some determination.

And yet, during a conversation I had tonight with some Dharma friends via Skype about dealing with negative emotions etc. it really struck a chord with me when someone said that it all comes down to being alert, mindful and aware.

I’m not saying “don’t go after your dreams” or “don’t try and get your needs met” – I wouldn’t do that, trust me – but maybe (just maybe) sometimes loving yourself means simply noticing and acknowledging what’s there and showing yourself some empathy and compassion.

Maybe it isn’t always about fixing things.

Wholeheartedness

I’m amazed by how much I’ve learnt about myself in the last 4 months that Tony’s been away. Admittedly it hasn’t always been easy or pleasant. A lot of my self-discovery evolved around issues with self-love or rather the lack of it and how Tony had been compensating for that. Developing real intimacy with myself and learning to embrace my imperfection and vulnerability have been my biggest challenges.

Slowly, however, I feel like I’m getting somewhere in this process. I notice how I’m experiencing feelings more intensely. Almost every day now I’m close to tears or actually crying because I allow myself to fully experience a feeling. It’s a full body experience rather than the numbed down version of feeling I developed over the years by trying to protect myself and shutting off from my vulnerability. Experiencing this is scary and exhilarating all at the same time.

The other amazing side effect of this process is how my heart doesn’t just open up to myself and my own imperfection but also to other people and their imperfections. It’s like I’m rediscovering our shared, flawed humanity and I’m surprised at the increased compassion and goodwill I’m capable of as a result of that.

Earlier today, I was strolling along the banks of the river Thames between Bourne End and Cookham and I suddenly felt this deep sense of connectedness and belonging. I was fully present with my surroundings, the people I encountered and myself. I felt at peace and so alive that I could hardly hold back the tears. Incredible. I am so grateful for the ability to feel that way again.

It’s true what Brené Brown says in her book “Daring greatly”. We cannot selectively block out feelings. When we numb ourselves and avoid being vulnerable we don’t just water down the experience of negative feelings but also our ability to fully experience positive feelings. In order to be wholehearted again we need to allow both. We need to ‘dare greatly’ indeed but from my experience, I'd say, it's a risk worth taking.

Imperfect ponderings

There are so many things going through my mind, I don’t even know where to start or rather I don’t quite know how to put them in order and express them in a way that makes sense. And it does all make sense - a lot actually.

It is painful, don’t get me wrong, and unpleasant and ugly and scary but from experience I have learned to be grateful for this sort of intense self-discovery because it means change and growth. Development needs crisis, it’s as simple as that, and running away or hiding from it means remaining stuck.

I shall start off by saying that I am surprised at how much I miss Tony and it only just started to get more intense very recently. Because I wasn’t expecting it, it took me by surprise and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by it. Despite that I try to detach myself from that feeling and observe and analyse what is actually going on.

I discovered that there is a recurring trigger for feeling like this and it is being unable to manage or bear my own negative thoughts and emotions. This makes me miss Tony for two reasons: number one is that if he was here, I would be able to talk to him about it and he could possibly help me deal with them better (as explained in the post called Loneliness). Number two, however, and that’s the one staring me in the face at the moment, is that I judge myself harshly for having negative thoughts and emotions and don’t really like myself when I’m like that. That lack of self-acceptance and self-love could conveniently be compensated for if Tony was around. Alas, he’s not and therefore I am left with having to confront (again!) my lack of self-love and self-acceptance. (I don’t know about you, but I’ve been working on and with myself for so long, I thought I had dealt with this. So it’s even more of a bummer having to face it again.)

However, I think, what I am realising is that there is a difference between the kind of self-love that only focuses on our positive sides and genuine self-love. Genuine self-love loves the whole imperfect package and, moving beyond this distinction between self and others, genuine love accepts and embraces imperfection in everyone and everything.

I realise that my love and compassion for others is limited because my love and compassion for myself is limited.

We love in others what we love in ourselves and we hate in others what we hate in ourselves. Therefore, there is no real difference between self and other and therefore no difference in the love we are able to feel for ourselves and the love we are able to feel for others. They are interconnected and inseparable. So by learning to embrace my own imperfect self, I will hopefully be able to embrace others’ imperfect selves and vice versa. 

Ultimately, I hope that one day, I will be able to see beyond the whole notion of self itself.